Stop Asking Me My New Years Resolution

I'm 23 and I'm having a mid-life crisis.

Okay, I'm pretty sure this is very different than an actual mid-life crisis, but it still sucks so it pretty much counts. But maybe I'll coin a more appropriate phrase to describe this terrible feeling, like a "twenty-something life crisis", or a, "I'm-barely-an-adult-and-I-have-no-idea-what-I'm-doing-or-who-I-want-to-be life crisis"

Ah, much more fitting.

I just want to note that as a Millennial, most of the time when we say "I have no idea what I'm doing with my life" what we really mean is that we're doing something, but we simply just 1) don't really like it or 2) aren't really sure what's next.

For me, its definitely option 2. And it's definitely geared towards my passions and me as a person. 

Let me catch you up to speed on the disaster that is me.

This year, I spent New Years by myself.

And I'm not just saying that so you can feel sorry for me and send me a Chipotle gift card (which I wouldn't exactly oppose). Nor is this a lame excuse to throw a "I have no friends" pity-party.

Because I have a good amount of friends (who all rock btw).

No, I just feel like it was one of those adult moments, where nobody really hit me up for New Years plans, and I maybe only hit up one person myself and then gave up and decided to stay in.

And at first it was going to be great and I planned to dedicate the night to creating an insanely creative vision board with a focus word for the New Year and all my goals and wishes proudly displayed just ready for me to bring in 2019 with a bang. 

But then I was too lazy to get the supplies so I ended up binge watching weird Youtube videos and crying in my bed to worship music. 

I'm kind of embarrassed about it, but you know, it happened, and I want to be transparent.

I think there's this inaccurate perception of everyone living glamorous lives 24/7 when that's not anywhere close to reality. I look so happy and full of life on my Instagram, yet most of the time I'm too lazy to put on pants.

And so it was the no-pants wearing, puffy-eyed, snot-nose-running Corporate Queen that brought in the New Year, and I think she did some major damage to my normal "New Year, New Me!!!" psych that I usually have going on.

Now it's more of a ,"New Year and I Have No Idea What's Going On or Where God Is Taking Me Next".

And I'm not anywhere close to figuring that out.

And it's making me feel really weird and panic-y. Like I'm running out of time, as if me not creating a strategy or focus for the new year by a certain date completely wipes away any chance of it ever coming true.

I mean, who can blame me? That's how my last years have gone.

I spend time before the new year thinking about what I want to accomplish and how I want to grow and then I pick a focus. A simple word that will encompass all my dreams, goals, actions, and progress. And then I live by that word for a year and watch how it changes my life.

In 2017, it was "to live". And I traveled and laughed and made sure that in everything I was present.

In 2018, it was "to learn". And I took time to gain knowledge from God, from other people, from myself and took opportunities I would have never imagined.

And now it's 2019, and I'm blank. Different words come to mind, but nothing feels right.

And can I be honest with you? As each day passes with no focus, I feel myself getting less excited and less motivated for the new year. I feel my dreams fading and my love for things that I used to enjoy feel like mundane tasks.

I go to work and come home and don't feel motivated to do anything but binge watch mediocre shows on Netflix.

And I keep thinking, is this a foreshadowing of the rest of my 2019? Unmotivated? Pointless? Lost?? Confused? And then I get very scared because I can't imagine a year so helpless.

But it's so weird because at the same time, amidst all of the anxiety, I also feel as if God is telling me to slow down and take my time choosing my focus. Like literally, "Don't rush this one." As if my only responsibility right now is to be patient, and listen, even when everyone else around me is ready to go, go, go.

So, just incase there's someone out there that feels anything like how I do right now, you're definitely not alone.

For anyone who's start of 2019 hasn't been as exciting as they expected.

For anyone who can't relate to endless instagram posts that are raving about the promises and drive for the new year.

For anyone who feels like they're stuck in some weird 2019 limbo that they can't get out of.

And for anyone who feels more lost and confused coming into this new era than they did the previous one.

It's okay. 

Just because we feel as if our lives are a mess at this moment, doesn't disqualify us from living an amazing one.

There is no countdown clock on us finally finding that focus and walking in our purpose, so stop living like there is.

Take a deep breath and remember 2 important things:

1.     No matter how hard it is and how little hope it may seem, we can't give up.

2.     There is more to come. There is always more to come.

So, with that being said, I'm taking the next 21 days and making the conscious decision to not make any resolutions, goals, focus, or strategies for the New Year.

I just want time to think and regroup without the pressures of feeling like I'm running out of time. Or like everyone is out there living their goals and dreams and I'm left behind still trying to figure out the pieces of my life.

Regardless of the date on a calendar, or annoying social media posts, or whatever thing that pops in my life and makes me feel lesser than for not being 100% on it since January 1st, my new year will start when God is ready for it to start.

And that is 100% okay with me.

So stop asking me my New Years Resolution. Please and thank you.

-  Your Super Patient (and Kind of Fed-Up) Corporate Queen

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Ecclesiastes 3:11

11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.