The Weird Moment in Your 20s

I feel like i’m in that weird moment in my 20s.

That weird moment in your twenties when it clicks for the first time in your life that you are no longer on a set plan. That the days of your schedule being defined by a curriculum or classes lazily put together before the semester begins are long gone. That there’s no longer a simple measure of a GPA to show you how you measure up to your peers. And there’s no finals to keep track that you actually absorbed something from the entire semester. In fact, there’s no semesters at all. Just days that run into one another and turn to weeks which turn to months which turns to years.

And suddenly it clicks that for once in your life there isn’t a “set path” and you have full and total control of your future. Which is way scarier than it sounds because life seems to somehow be moving so fast you really haven’t had time to create your new path.

And it’s interesting, because you’d think with this newfound freedom you’d feel more powerful and in control, but to be honest, you feel neither. I feel neither.

Instead I feel scared. Terrified, really.

To know that there’s no longer a set plan in my life other than the plan I create. I can literally do anything I want in the world right now. I could quit my job tomorrow and drive to Florida.

I could start pursuing a career in astronomy. I could cut all my lose ties and move to Australia. I can truly (within the realms of legality) do anything.

So how come I don’t feel unstoppable?

How come I still feel like I need to be on this defined set plan that matches up with the world’s view of “success” ? How come “anything” only feels like a certain salary number, or job title, or house size?

And how come I feel so unaccomplished, even though there really isn’t anything to weigh my accomplishments against except other people’s interpretation of their 20s?

When I was 14, I imagined myself living and thriving at age 24. And it’s not like I’m not… I think I just expected it to be different. It’s a different type of “thriving”, if you will.

I’m in a career I actually like, at a job I genuinely enjoy, and fill my days doing things that I genuinely like. I’ve come to a point in my life where anything that I don’t enjoy I’ve cut out (minus workouts and the occasional adult vegetables I still haven’t really wrapped my head around). And I’m surrounded by so many good people and authentic relationships.

And of course, I don’t have certain things at the moment (read: apartment and a car), but I still feel so blessed and so protected by God’s mighty and loving hand.

But for some reason, I think I always imagined my 20s more…
Driven.
Inspiring.
Focused.

And of course, it can be. I definitely could put in the extra hours to be the best marketing associate there is in the world (lol) or pursue some wild opportunity overseas that allows me to see the world while working and blogging full-time.

Yes, a little difficult but very do-able, right?

So why haven’t I?

And of course, I don’t expect to get to a specific answer today, I mean the complexity of it is beyond me. But I do truly believe that life is a rollercoaster. And you can be the rider or the designer… or you can be a bit of both.

And I think that’s where I am, letting being a bit of both.

I definitely feel like God’s hand guides my life, but I also feel like sometimes I should clutch on when I pull away. And it makes me sad. I always wish I was just a tad bit aggressive when it comes to things - in traffic on i45, when people give me unwanted opinions, and in my goals. Especially in my goals. Tristan always talks about how dang persistent I get when I want something on a smaller scale (like to try a new food spot that he’s absolutely not interested in) and I wonder why that can never transfer to things in real life.

I always wish that I was just a tad bit more… focused?

I’m still looking for the word.

I see people who make goals and make them happen and I’m just in awe. I want to be like that. I want to be a girl of her word and when she says it, it happens. And honestly, I think the thing that holds me back the most is the fear of other people’s opinion.

The thing is, I 100% mean to be a girl of her word. I mean to be diligent and focused, and a go-getter. I mean to make goals that stick. But then minutes turn to hours and hours turn to days and days to turn to months and then I look up and realize that I’m not anywhere closer to it than I was months ago.

So what’s the problem? Timing? Procrastination? Fear? Others’ validation? Self-honesty?

All of the above?

Who knows. But I guess I have the rest of my 20s to figure it out.

With love,
The Corporate Queen

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For When You’re Embracing New Things

Isiah 43:18-19
“Stop dwelling on the past. Don’t even remember these former things.
I am doing something brand new, something unheard of. Even now it sprouts and grows and matures.
Don’t you perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and open up flowing streams in the desert.”

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